


Cullen's Discovery

by xxMad_Donaxx



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-15 06:57:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13025667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: The Inquisitor has kept this secret from everyone. Cullen discovers the secret in a rare moment when her guard is down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry, it's not another WIP. I had started this a long time ago and never posted it. The end of what I have done leaves a lot to be desired but it's all I have.
> 
> Also, please read the whole chapter before you berate me about pronouns.

It began as most things do, unexpectedly. Cullen had never considered Inquisitor Desmond Lavellan as anything other than he appeared to be, a Dalish mage with a strong sense of duty. He was often quiet and observant. One could rarely find him without a book even though he had precious little time to read. Desmond checked on his inner circle frequently, making sure their needs were met and they were comfortable in Skyhold.

This naturally included Cullen, his visits a little more frequent since he’d spoken to Cassandra about being replaced. How the Inquisitor had gotten wind of that arrangement he was unsure but very glad that he had. Desmond had all but ordered him not to take the lyrium and had inexplicably shown up a few times since when the struggle threatened to overwhelm him.

Chance had led him to the practice area. The Quartermaster was just beyond and Cullen wanted to check on a shipment of much needed equipment. Thoughts of supplies were pushed to the back of his mind upon seeing Desmond, half hidden against the wall of the tavern, watching the Iron Bull sparring with his second, Krem. Cullen slowed before coming to a stop beside him. His eyes followed Krem rather than the Bull.

“Good afternoon Inquisitor,” Cullen said politely.

“Hello Commander,” Desmond said in his soft spoken voice with barely a glance at him.

Silence fell and Cullen thought he should probably continue on but he remained at Desmond’s side, not knowing quite why but trusting his instincts. He watched the sparring match with some interest, the Bull and his Chargers had proved time and again their usefulness on the battlefield. Desmond continued to follow Krem and his normally neutral expression began changing. A corner of his mouth pulled down, his eyebrows rose and a heavy sigh escaped that seemed to come from his toes. It made Cullen wonder if anyone had been seeing to the Inquisitor’s needs.

“Are you all right Inquisitor?” Cullen asked softly.

Desmond shrugged and continued to watch Krem. “He’s so… confident.”

“Bull trains with him nearly every day,” said Cullen.

“Oh it’s not that,” Desmond said distractedly. “I would expect nothing less but the best from Bull and the Chargers.”

Silence fell between them. Cullen had no idea what Desmond was talking about and waited to see if he’d continue. Birds chirped over-head joining the sound of ringing steel and the gentle sigh of the breeze through the buildings. After a rather pregnant pause Desmond did continue, almost as if he’d forgotten Cullen was there.

“People know. He doesn’t seem to care either. Why is that I wonder. I would have been chased out.” Desmond sighed again and slumped against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes closed. “I wish…”

Cullen watched Krem curiously, trying to figure out just what Desmond was talking about. An overheard conversation between a couple of his soldiers came to mind. A discussion about Krem and what was beneath his armor. It mattered little to Cullen that Krem’s armor didn’t match his body or that he presented himself as male. He was skilled and level headed in battle, didn’t cause much of a fuss in their down time and loyally followed the Bull. What more could one ask for in a soldier?

A second passed and then another. Cullen’s eyes widened slightly as he realized the Inquisitor was envious of Krem. Slowly he turned and saw Desmond in a new light. His long black hair was normally tied into a tail at the nape of his neck but rather than with a length of leather it was tied with a ribbon or a clasp. The robes he wore were simple but voluminous, concealing nearly all of his body into shapelessness. Neither could mean anything but they could also mean everything.

“Inquisitor,” Cullen began.

Desmond’s eyes flew open and a look of sheer terror appeared. It was quickly replaced by the neutral expression he most often wore.

“Pardon me Commander,” Desmond said pushing off of the wall and hurrying past.

“Inquisitor!” he called after Desmond’s quickly retreating figure. 

He took a step to follow after and hesitated. The clang of axe against shield went on behind him. The breeze ruffled the fur on his collar and Desmond was now out of sight. Perhaps he, or was it truly she, wanted to be alone. Cullen thought of that brief flash of horrified realization. Desmond had forgotten he was there. He now knew something no one else in Skyhold did. Considering how much the Inquisitor fussed over his inner circle Cullen did not want that uncertainty between them.

Cullen trotted off in the direction Desmond had gone. Questioning the people he passed led him to the stables. Desmond was inside of the stall holding the red hart he most often rode. His back was to Cullen, one hand resting on the beast’s nose and the other slowly running down his neck. The stag snorted and shook his head a little, alerting Desmond to his presence. The Inquisitor looked over his shoulder and ducked under the hart’s head, putting the beast between them. The horses in the other stalls stamped their feet and flicked their tails. There was an occasional neigh or snort as the silence drew out.

“Inquisitor, are…” Cullen began. He stopped at Desmond’s expression. Caution had turned to dismay. Rubbing the back of his neck he thought and realized there was simply no polite way to ask if one’s mind matched one’s body parts. “You all right?” he finished.

He looked astonished for a moment but a small smile surfaced quickly. It was then Cullen realized what a rare sight it was. Desmond was most often serious and frowned quite frequently but his resting expression was that neutral line of his thin lips. His eyes, a brilliant sapphire color, rarely sparkled or shone with anything but anger but that slight upturn of the corners of his mouth turned them into the gems they resembled. Cullen immediately wanted to see that expression a little more often but kept his distance, aware of the tension that filled the air.

“Shouldn’t I be the nervous one?” Desmond asked sounding amused. His expression fell along with his eyes to the back of the hart he was hiding behind. “You did just discover my horrible secret.”

Cullen let his hand fall to his side and took a cautious step forward. “Inquisitor I’m…”

“Disgusted,” Desmond interrupted morosely. “Horrified.” He stopped abruptly and shook his head, his eyes never leaving the red fur his hands were knotted in. They flattened out and he sighed, and then continued softly. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

He had been about to say shocked but now thought that was perhaps not to way to ease Desmond’s mind. “Apology accepted,” Cullen said softly. “You have my word I will tell no one.”

Desmond finally looked up, suspicion clear in his gaze. Cullen met his eyes with nothing more than a commander’s calm confidence. She, he thought as the moments passed. Desmond is she and her. Like Krem, it mattered little to him what was actually under her robes. She had proven herself an able leader who cared a great deal about the people who followed her. Even if she didn’t want anyone else to know he would show her the respect she deserved.

“Thank you Commander,” she said, that small but dazzling smile making a brief reappearance. “I… appreciate your candor.”

“You’re welcome,” he said also smiling.

She patted the hart’s nose and stepped out of the stall carefully latching the gate. Cullen watched her leave a second time, this one a good deal slower than the previous one. There was no sway to her hips, perhaps because of the robes but more likely because she simply wasn’t built for it. For the first time he did notice something however. Unhurried her steps were almost dainty and her arms barely swung unlike the strut most men had but never thought about. Cullen slowly made his way to his office, deep in thought.


	2. Chapter 2

A few days later Cullen sat in his office, paperwork scattered but forgotten across his desk. He stared sullenly at his boot knife spinning listlessly on top of some requisition form. Yesterday had been busy as well as the morning and Cullen had had barely a moment’s rest. An expedition to the Hinterlands was being prepared for and the extra work had been tiresome. Knowing that the Inquisitor would soon be leaving Skyhold was making him uneasy for some unknown reason.

She had changed little since their chat in the stables. Cullen had noticed she had a cautious demeanor around him. He was unsure if it had been there all along or just since the stables. Since his discovery Cullen began thinking of the Inquisitor quite frequently. He saw other little things, like the way she cupped her elbows when crossing her arms over her chest rather than tucking her hands into the crook. Sometimes she wore plain silver bracelets and small gemmed amulets. None of these things would be given a second glance normally but Cullen now knew what they meant.

All of the things he’d noticed since his inadvertent discovery made him wonder why she hid. Cullen would admit this curiosity only to himself however. Her reasons were none of his business. The whole thing was better off swept under the rug all things considered but Cullen was discovering that was proving extremely difficult. His desire to see her smile a little more often, the uneasy feeling that had settled over him since preparations had started the previous day, even his curiosity about Desmond, all of it had been impossible to put away.

A knock on his door startled Cullen out of his thoughts. He sat up straight and plucked his knife off of the desk. “Come,” he said tucking it back into its sheath. There was only one person who ever knocked on his door and actually waited for a reply.

Desmond appeared in the doorway and she smiled very briefly. “A little birdie told me you might need some company.”

Her robes were dark purple today, sky blue accents, plain as always and just as concealing as ever. Cullen sat back and smirked as he picked out the silver bracelets and a blue gemstone clasp holding her hair when she turned to shut the door.

“This little birdie wouldn’t happen to wear a big floppy hat,” he said wondering why he hadn’t noticed any of it before.

“He would,” Desmond said a little sheepishly. “Please don’t confront him about it or send him away. I… asked him to keep an eye on you.”

“You asked…” Cullen began in confusion. “Why?”

She took a few small steps towards the desk, her eyes on the floor between them. “You and I are very alike in that respect,” she said softly. “Neglecting ourselves for the sake of others.”

“I’m flattered,” Cullen said earnestly after a few moments. He thought of Desmond leaning against the tavern wall and frowned. “And who takes care of you?”

“I do,” said Desmond looking up at him finally. A corner of her mouth turned up slightly. “Not very well obviously.”

“Desmond…” Cullen said standing.

“Desi,” she interrupted taking another step towards him. “My true name.”

“How long have you known?” he asked quietly.

“After my magic manifested.” Desi took another step forward and began straightening the papers on his desk. “I was never… comfortable… with my body but I didn’t understand why the spirits kept offering to make me female. Keeper Deshanna helped me, gave me new name… and cautioned me against telling the rest of the clan. Being a flat ear was difficult enough even though we regularly traded with humans. This…” She gestured helplessly at herself and turned abruptly.

Cullen leaned over, one hand tented on the papers that were now stacked neatly, and grasped her shoulder lightly. “Please don’t go,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry. I… shouldn’t have asked.”

She stiffened but didn’t move. “It’s all right.” Desi relaxed the tiniest bit and sat on the edge of his desk. “It’s been… difficult here. It was easier to stay hidden amongst my clan. The Keeper knew and understood. Still accepted me as First even if the rest of the clan would have run me off as a freak.”

“Here you’ve had no one,” said Cullen softly. “Desi…” He moved around the desk to face her and found her head down and her hands twisted together in a white knuckled grip on her lap. “If you need something, my door is always open.”

“Why were you there?” she asked looking up at him.

“I wanted to talk to the Quartermaster,” he said puzzled by the sudden change in topic.

“And why did you stop?”

“It was… odd. You seemed to be hiding.”

“Did you know Dorian has been spending some of his nights with the Iron Bull?”

Now thoroughly confused Cullen frowned and said, “I’ve heard that rumor but surely that’s all it is. A rumor.”

“It’s no rumor,” Desi said her expression serious and her hands still balled up in her lap. “It’s strange to be sure but both seem calmer… happier.” Her mouth turned down at the corners and her eyes slid past him. “I was jealous. I’m… happy for them but…” She sighed and finally straightened her hands. “I thought if anyone here could understand it would be Krem. I… couldn’t do it.”

More questions flooded into his mind but Cullen kept them locked away. She looked so miserable at the confession and he didn’t want to make her mood worse with prying questions. Desi had come here to keep him company and cheer him up after all. He could hear no footsteps on the stone outside of either door and he took a small step back. Cullen held his hand out, the other behind his back, and kept his voice low anyway.

“Would you care to join me in the gardens my Lady?”

Desi blinked owlishly up at him for a moment then smiled. She took his hand cautiously and nodded once. “I’d like that.”

“You’re very pretty when you smile,” Cullen said gently pulling her up.

Her slight hand tightened in his and suspicion marred her expression for a moment. The smile returned however and her cheeks gained a little color. “Thank you,” she said in a barely audible tone.

Cullen smiled, wondering what had possessed him to voice that thought, and reluctantly let go of her hand. “If you will allow me a moment to retrieve my chess set…”

“Of course,” Desi said nodding.

His mind was a whirl of thought as he climbed the ladder to his quarters. Her life must have been full of hardship and heartache. As much as she focused on others he suspected it was as much to avoid her own struggles as it was to aid them. Cullen was far from an expert but thought that someone focusing on her for a change might help immensely, someone she didn’t have to hide from. 


	3. Chapter 3

Cullen watched them leave with some trepidation. He still had no idea why. Desi was skilled and he trusted her companions. Her choice of companions was a bit puzzling to him considering she’d admitted her jealousy of Bull and Dorian’s rumored romance but they rode out behind her along with Cole. Since there was nothing he could really do about it Cullen tried to focus on his work.

Desi crept into his thoughts frequently as the days passed. He’d see her shy smile while filling out forms and smile himself. Her focused expression over the chess board followed him into sleep. Even the careful and deliberate way she walked, those small steps, came to mind when watching the activity around him. Thoughts of a romantic relationship with anyone had never before crossed his mind. No one in either circle had captured his attention like Desi had. It was a little astonishing that he would want one now. It seemed that was exactly what he did want however. 

That decision made he began thinking of little things that he could do for the Inquisitor. The suspicion he’d glimpsed more than once made him wary of typical things such as gifts or a private dinner. Her desire to hide also made things difficult. More than once he found himself slightly irritable over pronouns. No one seemed to notice that he didn’t use gender specific one’s when referring to Desi in conversation anymore. He had decided that actively seeking out her company would be the best way to ease her fears and prove himself sincere.

Since she seemed to enjoy the gardens he began keeping his chess set on his desk rather than up in his room. Setting a regular time aside for them to play would probably be good for both of them. An occasional walk along the ramparts would be good for privacy. Perhaps a not so chance meeting in the stables. She went there frequently. His thoughts were scattered by a very brief bang on the door followed by a soldier poking his head in.

“Commander! The Inquisitor’s party is at the gates but he’s been wounded.”

She, he thought frowning as he stood. “Has anyone summoned the healers?”

“Yes Commander. They’re in the courtyard now.”

“Clear a path to the Inquisitor’s chambers,” Cullen ordered.

“Right away Ser.”

Cullen followed the soldier at a trot. He helped disperse the crowd gathering in the courtyard while the Bull whisked Desi away with Dorian and the healer on his heels. When he was finally able to check on her he found a small crowd gathered at her door. The Iron Bull was standing off to one side looking rather amused. Dorian stood glaring at the door beside Josephine and Leliana.

“How is the Inquisitor?” Cullen asked as he joined them.

“We were thrown out,” Dorian replied sullenly.

“He’s fine,” Bull said. “The vines took the worst of it.”

“What happened?” said Cullen frowning.

“The noble fool stepped in front of a blade aimed at my backside,” Dorian snapped. “Why he felt the need is beyond me. Isn’t that why we keep brutes like him around?”

Dorian jerked his head at the Bull and Cullen fully sympathized with his annoyed grunt. He too would be considered a brute. “Where was Cole?”

“The kid was right there,” Bull replied evenly. “Not sure why Desmond felt the need to intervene.”

“Is the healer still inside?” he asked.

“She is,” Leliana said.

Without another word Cullen opened her door and shut it firmly. He finally understood why he was so uneasy about this expedition in the first place. Her normal state of mind had been thrown off balance first by the discovery of a romance and his own discovery of her carefully hidden true self. He only understood a little of why she was so jealous and envious of Bull and Dorian. If he could ease her mind about himself, then perhaps, it would ease those feelings as well. He wanted nothing more than to climb the stairs and see her but he hesitated. 

“She wanted to hurt,” Cole said from behind him suddenly.

Cullen whirled around and looked at him sharply. He was sitting on the stairs, his arms resting on his knees. The hat he wore completely hid his face.

“She’s already hurting though. Confused. Hope but no relief. Green. So much green but not a good green. I… don’t understand. I don’t know how to help.”

Cole’s insights were disturbingly accurate. It was like he peered into your soul and plucked out the most painful things he found there. Cullen wasn’t surprised he knew Desi’s secret. How he’d gleaned that Cullen also knew her secret he didn’t particularly want to know.

“I’m not sure there’s anything you can do,” Cullen said softly.

“You should sit with her,” Cole said looking up at him. “I think… that’s what she wants.”

He took a deep breath stepped past Cole, up the stairs to the Inquisitor’s room. Desi was sitting up on her bed, her robes cast aside on the floor. She looked extremely uncomfortable with the healer wrapping her stomach. When she noticed him however it multiplied. Cullen quietly turned away, knowing it was what her thin chest lacked that she didn’t want him to see.

“Commander if you would please…” the healer began sounding rather exasperated.

“No,” Desi interrupted. “It’s… It’s all right. He can stay.”

“Yes Inquisitor.”

He listened quietly to them behind him. There was the rustle of clothing or sheets, a ripping sound as the bandage was cut followed by soft murmuring. The healer squeezed past him but he remained as he was, waiting for her to tell him it was all right.

“Could… could you hand me my nightgown?” Desi said hesitantly. “It’s just over there… by the armoire.”

Cautiously he turned and found her sitting against the headboard with the sheets pulled up to her chin. He found her nightgown and set it on the bed, turning away again so she could pull it over her head.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “For… not looking.”

“That wouldn’t be proper my lady,” he said softly.

“You are so…” Desi trailed off and he could imagine her puzzled expression. “You can turn around.”

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” said Cullen evenly. He took the chair from the desk and moved it to sit by her bedside.

Desi smiled briefly and leaned back onto the headboard, the white gown only revealing a hint of her collar bones. She folded her hands into her lap and looked out the window. “It’s strange.”

“What is?” Cullen said resting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward.

“Being treated as I want to be. Even if briefly when no one else is looking.” She sighed heavily and her eyes dropped to her lap. “I shouldn’t have brought them.”

“What happened?” he asked gently.

“Nothing. I just… I thought if they were with me I could be happy for them. Get used to it. I’ve been watching people pair up for years.”

Her voice was bitter, almost hateful. Cullen cautiously moved from the chair to the bed, watched her head snap up and was dismayed by the suspicious caution he saw in her expression.

“The sword?” he said gesturing at her side.

“I don’t know. It was… He’s had a horrible life. As jealous as I am I couldn’t let it end. Not when he’s found something good.”

From the accounts of the others Cullen knew Dorian had been in very little danger of losing his life. He thought of Cole’s insight and held in a sigh. Perhaps a day or so resting would give him enough time to figure out how to curb such self-destructive behavior. The world needed her but it wasn’t enough. She wanted someone to _want_ her.

He held out his hand palm up. Desi looked at it blankly for a moment then rested her palm on top of his. Cullen wrapped his fingers around it, and gently stroked the back with his thumb. She smiled wanly at him before turning her gaze back to the window.

“You’re a good man Commander,” she said sincerely.

“Cullen.”

“Cullen,” Desi repeated after a moment, her gaze turning back to him, a genuine smile lighting up her eyes.


End file.
